Friday, March 11, 2011
Huiyi
Huiyi,
You're special, you make me feel invincible, as if I could fly. But I can't deal with your past. IT COMES BACK TO BITE ME EVERYTIME.
HELP, HELP, HELP!
I scream.
Voices whisper in my head-
Get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out.
Pumping as if frenzied, the heart intervenes.
Don't, don't, don't let go.
Caught in between, at the crossroads still- silence.
I pray for this peace to last, but I fear it is the calm before the storm.
Will I ever find the answers I seek? Or the courage to lead my life?
I'm tired. Release me from the embrace of fear.
Only when I've conquered you shall I truly be free.
Will I be another one? Just another one? Or will I be that special someone to you?
Somehow I feel that you're just tolerating me.
Whence the time I fail to succeed shall come to pass,
I hope death would take me in his embrace. that I may truly be liberated.
How do I free myself from the shackles that binds me? It's getting heavier, harder to breathe.
Might I one day shoot myself, please don't blame me.
ExpressedExplicitly 9:33 AM
Friday, January 14, 2011
Just what does it mean to love?
I've proclaimed it a thousand times, I've performed a thousand gestures.
I've pull you out of quicksand only to get sunk myself.
I've played by all the rules while you have broken every single one.
I bring you in while you leave me out.
All I want is a warm pair of arms to reside in forever,
feeling your love travel somehow across to me.
But you never fail to keep me at an arm's length.
Not too far for me to go, but never too near for me to hold.
You always pick the worst times to drop the worst lines.
Never contributing, always expecting returns.
I'm tired of this charade, I'm tired of this game.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm never good enough for you.
If that is what it truly is, I would wish you all the best with whatever you do.
Just promise- and don't tell- to never bait me in again.
ExpressedExplicitly 8:01 AM
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
When words and hearts turn cold
Nothing beats of chill of falling from arms that used to wrap you in warmth.
Your gaze turns cold,
Your breath forms clouds,
Your words are razor sharp,
Your love taken away.
Sorrow, hate, loneliness!
He proclaims
I shall take you all on once for all!
His voice triumphant, his boast loud.
But none would have prepare him,
For his final hour.
A thrust, into eternal slumber,
Formed of his hand.
ExpressedExplicitly 6:45 AM
Monday, January 03, 2011
03 01 2011
Maybe I should just die. No one will miss me anyway. :)
Her life was so fun before me. Maybe I should return it to her.
ExpressedExplicitly 8:03 AM
03 01 2011
It's a first post of the new year. I swore many things to myself as I have over the past 19 years of my short life.
I can never be as good as who you are. I'm sorry. I can climb, only to fall. I can run, only to be caught up with. I can swallow it up, but for how long?
I don't know, this is a random, rambling post of Sorrow? If you could call it that.
I've never been one which people would look at and say, "This guy's something. I wanna know him, I want to be like him." In fact, if left to theirs and my own devices, I would fade into oblivion. Unnoticed, unwanted, unknown to all. In the shadows I lurk, never liking sunlight- it scorches, it burns, it's too bright, the heat is suffocating.
So what if I have done what I have? It shows for nothing. There is always someone better with more talent, skill, finesse and grace. I'm the lumbering blacksmith that forges crude weapons for crude wars. There is no beauty in my craft. Only the occasional glimpse and then it's gone. That sparkle, fleeting and unendurable.
The love of my life. I do not know if I'm hers. With all my heart and soul I've poured. I know not how she truly feels. I offer sanctuary. Maybe that was the reason why she chose me. Not for my qualities. For I have none save what is discarded. She wants a knight in shining armour to save her. To sweep her off her feet to the biggest castle in all the land. So she can finally live her life, she says. Is it me that she loves? I am haunted, chased by my inner demons.
Because I know at the end of the day, I am not good enough for her. I am not handsome enough to match her beauty. I am not civilized enough to match her grace. And while she is full of flair and talent, a stormcloud hangs over me drenching me with nothing but shame. For I am a man with nothing to call my own. Not anything, not love. Definitely not love. For God's sakes, I'm not even as smart as her.
I sometimes quietly wish that death would steal me away. Silently. Erase my existence from this world- for it had no meaning, nothing to fight for. All was an illusion, all was a lie, all I knew was pain.
That I may quietly go as I have come would be my greatest work.
ExpressedExplicitly 7:36 AM
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Embarrassed
Well, what more can I say? With your dad posting on your fb wall all the time, your girlfriend changing your name to farting teddy, ARGH.
I don't know... Recently I've been feeling really lousy about myself. And all I'm doing is hiding into the world of video games. Where did all the times I use to have go?
I used to be so madly in love and could think of nothing else at all.
Then she stopped responding to me the way she did.
I used to run and throw everything into the backdrop when it mattered.
Now I can't even walk 2km without a cramped leg.
I used to watch a person's face change when I stepped and left him behind.
Now the sidestep and the dream of playing rugby is nothing more- than a dream.
I used to play soccer and waltz through every defender to the rhythm of my own song playing in my head.
Now I can't even score.
I used to have a best friend which I could talk to for hours. Just pouring out all that I feel.
Now I can't even talk to her without worrying that my actions would mislead her.
Not that my super scrapped knee or fucked up shoulder helps at all.
I had it all once.
I lost it all- again.
Why can't I keep the things I love and treasure most? I mean, it's not that I don't try.
But the sheer volume is too much to bear.
I hide, when embarrassing things happen and I can't account to people.
Choosing the way of the hermit instead.
All I can handle right now is huiyi. All that I love right now is huiyi. All that I fear is her too.
When the clock strikes twelve-
Where would I be?
Would I be where and who I sought to be?
ExpressedExplicitly 4:39 AM
Saturday, October 23, 2010
If - 23/10/10
If I'm important why isn't there a single mention of me, if I'm your world then why is it outside you see? If I'm the one then why is it doubt now I feel? If time heals all wounds then why does it seemed to have stopped.
Then again, if I'm sure, why do I ask.
How can I pretend to be alright when my whole world's falling apart? How can I smile? The smiles that felt so full of life are just now discrepant from what they're meant to be and hollow facades meant to hide my inner torment.
Every step I took, I took in your way thinking you'd be at the end.
Every breath I take I think back to the time I promised that for you I'd never not catch it.
Every heart I fold, my true feelings are hidden within.
Every fall I take I get back up.
Every shatter I hear just makes the next one a little colder.
I see now. My eyes are open. My ears hear. And my nose breathes.
You never truly loved me.
You can hide behind that pretty face and whisper things into my ear I'd like to hear.
All I see is who you really are- a wolf in sheepskin.
All I hear are, "Lies. Lies. Lies. I'm lying ever more to you, yet you're stupid enough to believe it."
But I can't get out.
All the wonderful times and memories I had I believed to be true.
But it isn't, it wasn't and it'll never be.
When will I get the courage to tell you that I've had enough.
When will I face you.
When will I face him.
Circa pectus pectoris effrego
ExpressedExplicitly 7:10 AM
Monday, February 15, 2010
This is a strictly emo blogsite and post
No one knows how my family operates.On the outside, we are a happy asian family whom everyone views as ideal.
We stay in a semi-detached house that belongs to my grandfather, the kids (us) are grown up now and I know we have some form of maturity however it chooses to present itself.
But underneath all good things, there is always a bad side hidden from view.
We, my mum dad brothers and I, are cursed with eternal unhappiness so long as we stay in this place. Every movement is judged, every breath is short and fast and every moment of our waking lives we spend with the weight of the world on our shoulders. (By this I mean to say that we are bogged down with our OWN problems and not that we are burdened by all the world's problems. Honestly, I feel, there isn't an end to the world's problems and it's going to get even more fucked up from hereon out.)
The heart of the human mind is what I believe to be the most important component of the spirit, soul or whatever you may choose to refer to it as. (How you are received by others is a direct result of how open they are towards you.)
On this chinese new year, words were flung like knives and like knives they were used to cut. My grandfather, a man whom I deeply respect and love, under persistent influence over many fucking bad years threw us the final verdict. If we were any good at all at handling our lives, he said, then we should be able to get our own place. Move out I hope I shall. For it is due to someone beside him that his heart is lost, it is no longer open to us and we do not have a place in it for now. I can only hope that one day his eyes would be open and he would be able to see the bitch for what it is and that we really love him.
I wish the world was simpler and that we had no purpose and use for acts like hatred and denial. I wish the world revolved around love instead of hate.
ExpressedExplicitly 7:12 AM
